A Fearful Thing

Recently my husband and I were having a conversation and he questioned what I had just said to him. Did I mean exactly what I said or was I trying to give a different subtle message. I assured him I wasn’t giving a subtle message but inside I began to wonder? Did I know even know my own heart? Was I fooling myself? Could my heart be that deceitful? Do I even know myself? I know my heart is deceitful…who can know it but… How can I know? How do I plumb the depths of my heart to find out the truth? 

As I continued to ponder my heart and look within it reminded me of what we see so often this time of year – entering a haunted house.  Does the door of my heart bear the title, “Most frightening?” We have all seen them and maybe some of us have even gone through one. Children cling to their parent’s hands. Imagine for a minute being one of these children. As you enter the haunted house there is so much fear. These houses are dark. One never knows what evil is lurking around the next bend. What will we see or hear? Will we stumble, trip or fall? Will my parent hold my hand tight enough? Will we ever make it through?

This is how it feels to enter the depths of one’s heart. “Lord what sin is lurking around the next corner?” Our hearts are so deceitful that we cannot even know them ourselves, yet it is so necessary to search our heart and root out sins lurking within; but yet there is fear. What if we stumble, trip or fall? It is so fearful to uncover sin that was never realized before? What will that look like? Can it be conquered? Will our heavenly Father tightly hold our hand as we uncover lurking sins? We want to grow in grace but…

Mary Winslow said, “I think confession of sin, should make up one-half of our life. And when we reflect that we have to do with one so able and so ready to pardon, it is a pleasure blended with pain to unveil our whole heart in the acknowledgment of its iniquity before God. Thus it is we gather the strength of resistance and the skill that foils our arch foe; the conscience is kept tender, the heart sanctified, and the blood of Jesus becomes increasingly precious. Let us, then, constantly resort to this cleansing fountain, that the sin, mental and heart sin cognizant to no eye but God’s holy eye, may be cleansed. What a high privilege is this! Who can subdue our inbred sins but Jesus? As well might we attempt to upheave a mountain as to argue with and remove even a solitary corruption of our fallen nature. But if we carry it at once to Christ, He will do it all for us. This is one of the most difficult, though needed, lessons in the school of Christ.”

We need to press forward. Fear not this prayer, “Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts” Ps 139:23. He has promised never to leave or forsake (Heb. 13:5); has promised to forgive our sins that we confess (1 John 1:9). The same David who prayed the above prayer also said, “I acknowledged my sin unto thee, and mine iniquity have I not hid. I said, I will confess my transgressions unto the LORD; and thou forgavest the iniquity of my sin” Ps 32:5.

Is It Really That Bad?

As I sit here and type this blog there are hundreds of women and girls crying out as their ISIS captors use and abuse their bodies and even more horrifying are the reports that these men are in desperate search of Viagra to feed their selfish desires. At this moment there are also thousands of Christians who are sitting in prison cells enduring beatings and torturings that are unimaginable to us in our Western world.

What happens when we take a few moments to actually enter into the world of these people? What if we took 5 full minutes and tried to enter their world? Think of their tears, their cries, their pain, their mourning the loss of loved ones. Think of all the children taken from their parents, and parents who have their children ripped from their arms, and let your mind feel what it would be like if it was your child. Why don’t we do this more?  Is it because it seems too painful?  Our natural being hates pain and suffering…its contrary to how we were originally created but yet very much a reality in our lives.

As I have been laying here for 1 month now there has been plenty of opportunity to think, and in thinking to focus on those who have it worse than I do. Let me share the blessed results:

1. It motivates us to fulfill our biblical command, Heb 13:3, Remember them that are in bonds, as bound with them; and them which suffer adversity, as being yourselves also in the body.  This then in turn leads us to:

2. Pray for them as often as they come to mind.  1 Thess. 5:17, Pray without ceasing.

3. Press on ourselves to fight the good fight till the end,  Hebrews 12.

4. But ultimately our mind is also being led to focus on Christ who suffered more than we ever will, never complained, and was faithful to the end.

What comforts we have in God’s Word for those who are faithful. “Faithful” also means our reaction to afflictions both great and small.  Am I enduring my cross as Christ would have me to do?  When we meditate on those who have it worse than us our “blessings” shine much brighter.  Have I had to lay here for one month doing nothing? Yes but every day I listen to music and my soul is fed. What healthy person would be able to do that? Am I acutely aware that once given the green light to get up and around more I will be in the negative as far as my POTS goes? Yes but I’m thankful that I now know the route back to improvement although it will take months. Do I see the furrowed brow because of constant pain when I look in the mirror each day? Yes but there has been slow improvement and I can take some simple pain meds. Do I see work that I wish I could do? Yes but I have a faithful husband and wonderful children who have been by my side and shouldered much of the work. I have a loving church family as well as extended family who have been very kind. Blessings upon blessings…there is never an end to our blessings.

And so even on days like yesterday when a pity party was forming and the tears were beginning to brim in the eyes, one look to others who have it so much worse or even more so one look to Christ’s sufferings and instantly the tears  dried up.

Many of you know that I have had great trials in my life and this has been one way that I’ve gotten through them as well as I have. But I do have a great confession to make.  I am much better at counting my blessings when great trials come upon me than I am when little everyday trials or annoyances happen.  Case in point: this morning I had this blog churning in my mind and it was about to be sorely tried. My loving husband wanted to get to work “early” but nobody was coming to help today. What happened? I started looking at my “little trials” and not counting my blessings. The dishes weren’t all done. The wash wasn’t started. The counter tops weren’t all wiped to perfection. I tried using my 5 minutes up to do things and was utterly exhausted and in more pain. What happened to the blessings? My husband brought me my breakfast and Advil in bed so I could get relief before showering AS HE HAS EVERY MORNING FOR THE PAST MONTH. My dear husband made lunches and got the kids off to school AS HE HAS EVERY MORNING FOR THE PAST MONTH.  He made the bed and even arranged the pillows as I like them. The kids did their morning jobs. I have a warm house, can take a warm shower, have food to eat, and the list could go on for a long time.  So what if I have to look at dishes all day. So what if I have to walk past the lid that’s laying on the kitchen floor that didn’t bother anyone else enough to get picked up. So what if my counter tops aren’t washed to my perfection. So what if the wash isn’t done today…it was done yesterday and can be again tomorrow. So what?? So what??? Oh shame on me.

When upon life’s billows you are tempest tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,
And you will keep singing as the days go by.

When you look at others with their lands and gold,
Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold;
Count your many blessings. Wealth can never buy
Your reward in heaven, nor your home on high.

So, amid the conflict whether great or small,
Do not be disheartened, God is over all;
Count your many blessings, angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.

Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

Dear Prayer Warriors

I would like to address this blog post to all the prayer warriors who have prayed for me this past week. Sometimes when called to pray one can wonder if it really does any good but let me explain.

During the last 2 months leading up to my serious surgery I would often have times where I would shudder at the thought of the whole surgery…even times where I felt almost as it were paralyzed and unable to work or think because of the overwhelming nature of it all.

All this began to change as we starting telling people what we were facing culminating this past weekend when our dear former congregation as well as our current church family began praying in earnest. I can only describe the feeling as being wrapped in bubble wrap. Layer after layer began to be wrapped around me. And so when an inconsiderate comment would be made or Satan would attack it could only pop a bubble or two but not penetrate to me. Your prayers along with the Lord’s everlasting arms created a calm in my heart that was unrealistic while facing such a serious trial. And the calm only continued to grow more and more as surgery came closer. On Monday and Tuesday I found myself often contentedly humming and I never lost one minute of sleep from worrying.

When I awoke shortly after 5 on Wednesday morning only to see that already people were awake and praying I was so humbled. While showering I realized that I was singing as if preparing to go on a picnic rather than facing a serious surgery.

Once in the hospital while getting prepped for surgery the calm never left. As I lay on the operating table the anesthesiologist struggled to find a vein for my IV as I was already getting dehydrated. My thoughts weren’t on the poking needle but meditating on the fact that when I awoke (which I would) it would be either here on earth with my family or in glory. Unbeknown to me my surgeon observed this “calm” and especially told my husband when she gave him the post op report  how I seemed so unusually calm. Several hours later as I was coming out of anesthesia my first thoughts were… am I on earth or in glory.

Typically, a patient receives narcotics during surgery for when they awake but as I cannot have any narcotics none were administered. As I regained consciousness (unaware of the fact that I had a good 100 stitches inside of me) the most incredible pain I have ever felt was searing through my body and I cried out, “Why Lord?” Immediately my mind was drawn to Christ and His sufferings and my mouth was stopped, and as I lay moaning my dear precious Savior became even more precious to me. And so until the Tylenol and Advil started working I could quietly moan as I listened to the hospital staff and my surgeon’s assistant agonizing over the fact that there was nothing more they could give to me. And yet even in the face of this incredible pain there was a calmness that resulted from many prayers. The Lord didn’t say we wouldn't experience great difficulties but He did promise to carry us through them.

The next day when my surgeon came to see me I felt compelled to explain to her as well as the others who were in the room why she saw in me this “strange, unusual” calmness. The result of your prayers enabled me to spread Christ to this Indian Dr. And so dear friend, while it’s hard for me to find a comfortable position to be able to type this, I felt so humbled and thankful for each and every one of you. When you are on your knees beseeching the Lord on behalf of a needy friend know of a certainty that our dear Father in heaven hears your prayers and answers. Be not weary in well doing.  Let us now raise our voices in thanks to Him.

Almost Tangible

Over the last several weeks I couldn’t help but notice how people have been functioning in a more frenzied state than one would normally see. Rushing here and there…trying to get the best deals…looking out for “number one” etc. Last week as I was starting to back out of my parking spot at the grocery store a car came speeding up the isle. I decided to stop and wait only to be greeted with her hands thrown up in the air as if I’d done something wrong. Once out of my spot I happened to be driving right behind this same lady only to see a sticker on the back of her car that ironically said “Be nice!”

Today though I went early to the grocery store to grab a few groceries and in spite of the pouring rain the atmosphere was completely changed. There were smiles on many faces….greetings as people passed each other in the isles….people wishing others “merry Christmas”… people urging other people to go in front of them to checkout, and even total strangers striking up conversations in the checkout line. The whole store was in a lighthearted mood. To be honest it was a very pleasant way to shop…such extreme kindness it was almost tangible.

Driving away from the store I felt such sadness. Why do so many people allow themselves to be overtaken with the false joy of this world?  How many of those people were so happy because they were thinking of the real reason for Christmas? Was I spreading the true meaning of Christmas to others? Am I taking time during this busy Christmas season to reflect on Christ’s birth? Let us pause and be filled with joy, a joy in thinking about the birth of our dear Lord and Savior.

Wishing you and your family a joy filled and blessed Christmas. 

Turbulence

We awoke Monday morning eager to begin our journey back home. It had been a nice visit to see my mother-in-law who had just turned 80. As we took family pictures there were two places that were empty…a father and brother; but still it was good to be together. Now it was time to leave. We quickly packed our suitcases, ate a quick breakfast and were off for the hour ride to the airport.

Picking up my phone I could see some weather warnings. Did I dare to look? Grand Rapids was under a weather advisory and wind warning. Flying is not my favorite thing to do but with winds gusting to 50mph I was really not looking forward to the flights home.

Soon we were boarded and ready to de-ice and take off. As we sat waiting on the runway the plane was rocking back and forth. A few minutes later we were speeding down the runway until finally we were off the ground. Immediately the turbulence began. The plane groaned and creaked as the wind was pressing it from all sides. It almost seemed hard to imagine that these planes can take so much stress against their frame. Sitting towards the back we could see the plane tilting and bouncing.

And then it happened. As if it were a shot from a gun we suddenly burst through the cloud layer. Instantly there was the most beautiful blue sky one could ever imagine and all was calm…so calm it was hard to imagine that we were actually flying.

In that moment words can hardly express the thoughts that went through my head. What a picture of life. So often full of turbulence…winds blowing against us from every side shaking our very being. Sometimes it seems a wonder that our bodies and being can withstand another trial and yet we are upheld.

But if only we could look at the big picture. Our turbulence will only last a few short years and then those who know the Lord will suddenly burst as it were through the clouds and all will be calm….amazingly calm, forever.

My thoughts immediately went to a dear little boy from our former congregation. He struggled every day for the few short years of his life and that very morning he took his last breath. As I sat gazing out at that amazingly clear blue sky I couldn’t help but wonder what it must be for him at those moments. Looking down I could see the thick layer of clouds covering the earth, knowing that the turbulence was there below, knowing that in a few minutes we would be entering it once again but not dear little Jacob…his struggles were over forever. Though so difficult being away from this dear family during their time of mourning this lesson from our flight with turbulence brought much comfort.

It turned into a blessed flight filled with sweet communion. Lord grant that I may look above life’s many “turbulences” to see that one day there will be a great calm…never to have to experience turbulence again.

It's in the Valleys I Grow

 

Sometimes life seems hard to bear,
full of sorrow, trouble and woe.
It's then I have to remember
that it's in the valleys I grow

If I always stayed on the mountain top
and never experienced pain,
I would never appreciate God's love
and would be living in vain

I have so much to learn
and my growth is very slow,
sometimes I need the mountain tops
But it's in the valleys I grow

I do not always understand,
why things happen as they do.
But I am very sure of one thing,
My Lord will see me through

My little valleys are nothing
when I picture Christ on the cross
He went through the valley of death,
His victory was Satan's loss.

Forgive me Lord, for complaining
when I'm feeling so very low.
Just give me a gentle reminder
that it's in the valleys I grow.

Continue to strengthen me, Lord.
and use my life each day
to share your love with others
and help them find their way.

Thank you for valleys, Lord
for this one thing I know
the mountain tops are glorious
But it's in the valleys I grow.

Adoration

There are times in our lives that we stand back in amazement at the goodness of God which leads us to be very humbled and desirous to worship in adoration. Times when we seek God’s will and see doors opening in the direction we believe His will is leading…times when we see spiritual growth in our children…times when in spite of inconveniences we observe the absolute beautifulness of the snow surrounding us…and of course for me most recently being brought through another great trial which in my doctor’s words yesterday was a “horrible mess.”  I’m so thankful that my shoulder is healing in spite of the difficult pain which he said was because of all the bone work in addition to the rotator cuff and the fact that I cannot have narcotics. I’m so thankful that he had wisdom to think of giving me a shot in my shoulder yesterday to try to give some relief…thankful for the helping hands of our children as I cannot move my arm for at least another 4 weeks.

Yes I’m so thankful that as I lay awake this morning at 4:30am I was not groaning in pain as other mornings but had some sweet relief. It was so quiet and peaceful in this house…I could just sit (cannot lay yet) and lift up my soul in sweet overwhelming adoration and communion to my dear Maker in heaven…no surrounding noise…no interruptions…no phones…no work to be done…just me and Him.

I was so able to see His goodness as I watch my children go through great trials but yet through them seeing spiritual growth. As much as I hurt with them, never would I want one of those trials removed that brings spiritual gain. I saw a little glimpse of how our Father must feel…on the one hand suffering in our suffering and yet rejoicing when the trial has not been wasted but instead brings spiritual growth.

As I lay awake this morning I couldn’t but help realize how important it is that we do not "waste" our trials. It will take an entire eternity for us to truly see the goodness of God...goodness in every trial…in every cross providence…in every blessing…in every step or misstep of our day…in every temptation…in every goodness…eternity hardly seems long enough to sit at His feet humbly adoring this great good God whom we serve.

 In sweet communion, Lord, with Thee

 I constantly abide;
 My hand Thou holdest in Thy own
 To keep me near Thy side.

 Thy counsel through my earthly way

 Shall guide me and control,
 And then to glory afterward
 Thou wilt receive my soul.

 Whom have I, Lord, in heaven but Thee,

 To Whom my thoughts aspire?
 And, having Thee, on earth is nought
 That I can yet desire.

 Though flesh and heart should faint and fail,

 The Lord will ever be
 The strength and portion of my heart,
 My God eternally.

 To live apart from God is death,

 'Tis good His face to seek;
 My refuge is the living God,
 His praise I long to speak.

Crash

Having POTS (Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome) is a tricky thing to deal with but having POTS with a heart condition is even worse. Last night I had a “POTS Crash.” I woke up during the night feeling very unwell. When that happens the first thing to do is check blood pressure…mine was 79/48. When I was first diagnosed my Cardiologist told me anytime my blood pressure went under 100 I needed to go to the hospital. I told him I would be camping there quite a bit then. So he almost made me promise that if it went below 90/60 I would make the trip in. Last night surely met the criteria and yet I felt too bad to move or walk.

The next two hours we tried all the “home remedies” I could think of that my Dr. gave me. Push fluids and drink a coconut water (which contains 500mg potassium) etc. while checking my pressure every few minutes. But then the matter became more complex. My heart obviously didn’t like my blood pressure being so low and it started having spasms. Now besides having very low blood pressure I also was having sharp pains in my chest and in my back between my shoulder blades. The typical solution for this would be to take a Nitrate under my tongue but I’m not allowed to take one unless my blood pressure is over 100 so that was out. The thought then arises…Is the affected artery still clean or is there enough plaque buildup in it that this would lead to a full out heart attack. All we could do was stay very calm and relaxed and hope things would turn around me (all the while knowing that I have my Cardiologist’s cell phone number in my cell phone in case things would get worse). Remembering that when I’ve had surgeries and my blood pressure dropped they would also tilt my bed with the head down and feet up we tried that as well.

After 2 ½ hours on this tightrope things started improving and my blood pressure hit 92/58. Now I was getting more in my “normal” range although feeling a bit weak and left with a fairly intense headache. I was so thankful that we didn’t have to go in…as belonging to a POTS support group I read about so many people who are in and out of the hospital. In fact some people are getting ports so that they can do their own IV at home during a “crash”. 

Why do I share this with you?

First of all when people ask me how I am and I reply “stable” that is a very good thing...I love stable. We never know when these will happen and this is only one type of side effect of having POTS. Whenever I travel I have to be ready and prepared if this would happen…its my new life.

Secondly, we all know that we are walking with a fine string separating us between life and death but I am very keenly aware of this fact. This morning as we were eating breakfast it really hit me how serious the matter could have gotten and how I was able to remain so calm through it all.

I don’t really like writing blogs about my own health issues but this morning I just wanted to give you a little window into what life with POTS and Coronary Artery Spasms can look like. It’s not an easy life…but it is a life dependent on the Lord Day by Day.

Day by day, and with each passing moment,
Strength I find, to meet my trials here;
Trusting in my Father’s wise bestowment,
I’ve no cause for worry or for fear.
He Whose heart is kind beyond all measure
Gives unto each day what He deems best—
Lovingly, its part of pain and pleasure,
Mingling toil with peace and rest.

Every day, the Lord Himself is near me
With a special mercy for each hour;
All my cares He fain would bear, and cheer me,
He Whose Name is Counselor and Pow’r.
The protection of His child and treasure
Is a charge that on Himself He laid;
“As thy days, thy strength shall be in measure,”
This the pledge to me He made.

Help me then in every tribulation
So to trust Thy promises, O Lord,
That I lose not faith’s sweet consolation
Offered me within Thy holy Word.
Help me, Lord, when toil and trouble meeting,
E’er to take, as from a father’s hand,
One by one, the days, the moments fleeting,
Till I reach the promised land.

 

Questions

Sad to say, I rarely talk to strangers about religion so today when standing at a store checkout I was caught totally off guard. The young man in his 20's (clearly not of Dutch descent) asked me how my Halloween was. I stumbled a bit and mumbled something like, “good.” But my conscience wouldn’t leave me there and after a brief struggle with my fears I said, “we don’t actually celebrate Halloween but we commemorate Reformation Day.”

“What does that mean?” he asked enthusiastically.

“Have you ever heard of Martin Luther?” I asked, and after a brief pause he assured me that he did. Wrongly I assumed that he was thinking of Martin Luther King and thinking how could I explain who he was in 2 minutes while at a checkout counter with people waiting behind me, I would just leave the conversation end there. But he wasn’t through with me yet.

“Why do you have Reformation Day then…what does that have to do with Martin Luther?”

“Well,” I said, “Have you heard of the 95….”

“Oh,” he interjected, “the 95 thesis. I have heard of that.”

And so the questions went on. Him wondering exactly why and how we commemorate the Reformation and more specifically when we go to church what kind of service to we have. All the time he was saying what a neat thing to go to church for.

Finally, he said to me, “Would you mind me asking what religion you are?”

And again me assuming he was very ignorant I said, “Well we are Reformed.”

“Oh, Christian Reformed?” he asked his face lighting up.

“Yes like Christian Reformed,” I said figuring that would be a starting place for him to understand the Christian faith, it being a well-known denomination.

“Wait,” he said stopping his work, his face clearly showing a mixture of sadness and bewilderment, “I’m Christian Reformed and….we don’t celebrate Reformation Day, we have trick or treat day at church.”

Now he needed an explanation who we were and why we differed from the CRC and just why his church didn’t celebrate Reformation day. At that moment we both realized how far even the Christian Reformed church has come.

At this point I was finished checking out and the next customer didn’t look very interested in our conversation so I urged him to look up Martin Luther and the Reformation online so he could learn more about it to which he assured me he would.

And then as if knowing my fear of talking to strangers he loudly said as I was walking away, “thank you so much for taking the time to talk to me, I am so happy that you did.”

I left the store with a mixture of sadness and encouragement. Sadness, seeing the confusion on this young man’s face and yet so encouraged to speak again. Who knows what seed could have been planted in this young man…may my mouth more and more be opened for His name and to His honor and glory.

Quiet!

Its been quiet on this blog…very quiet. I suppose there could be two reasons for that; either is nothing to say or that it is very noisy in other places. I would have to say that the latter is true. Anyone who’s been in the spot that we are would know that with 5 children at home ranging in age from 13-22 would bring “noise” enough of its own. We are in the climax of child training. This is the place where one sees the fruition of those first years of child training (or lack thereof). With an upcoming wedding and 2 boys dating; to juggling four vehicles in a small driveway to plan who has to park where depending on who needs to get out first in the morning; and being a constant on call taxi driver; with trying to figure out everyone’s schedules so we can have family time and the almost impossibility of having everyone around at the same time for a family picture; along with being and on call 24/7 counselor to buying enough groceries to feed this tribe life becomes quite interesting. In fact it is very “noisy”.  But I wouldn’t trade spots with anyone else for a million dollars. What a blessing to have all these “things to do”.

There is another reason why this blog has been “quiet”. There has been lots of other “noise” going on in this house as well but that “noise” is getting very “quiet”. Last night at 11:00pm final corrections (I hope) were made and Seasons of the Heart was completed! Yesterday my dear sister Linda and I were talking and we were both not totally pleased with some of the layout design so we embarked as a team, each on a computer, on a 4 hour sprint making changes until it met our perfectionistic expectations….thanks Lin, and today it will be out of my hands and on to the publisher.

With the conception of this project being 11 months ago I must say it has been a major “noise” not only in my life but in the life of our family. I am so thankful for the support of my husband and the kids for without that it would have been drudgery. It has been a year of researching, writing, typesetting and design, corrections and more corrections and Lord willing by the end of this week it will be going to print. To be honest it feels like a great relief but, it has been a part of me for so long it doesn’t seem quite right not to be “working on the book”.

I’ve also come to realize that one aspect of this book will never be complete…it’s a noise that will continue…a great noise that took place during the whole process of compiling this devotional…a continual (noise) prayer that the Lord would bless this devotional to the hearts of many. What a humbling thought! We were able to get some wonderful endorsements and the marketing being done for this book is phenomenal, including it being featured on over 30 blogs during the week of Nov. 11-17, and as I meditated on all this, the thought stuck me last night that I believe the Lord had to “break” me, and the awful sin of pride that creeps up in all our hearts, for many years in order that He could allow this great work to take place. We cannot do great things in life unless we are also a broken vessel fit for the Master’s use. Often when people are talking to me they refer to it as “your book” and almost every time I cringe inside…I know what they mean but to me its not “my” book, I was the instrument but God was the author…to Him be the glory. The most beautiful thing to me would be to hear the Lord using and blessing it.

Now I must move on. There are little “noises” already starting. I will be giving a topic to the Seminary Student’s wives in October and possibly starting a Bible/book study with them as well. It is such a joy to live a life of service. I pray that each of us may follow the Lord’s will and heed His calling and direction whatever that may be, even if it creates great “noises” in our life.

Status

What do you think of this world? Are you just a visitor traveling through or would you be content to live here forever? Are you happy in the world or does it make you feel weary? What is your status in the country you are living in? Are you a visitor or a citizen?

When we first lived in Canada we were there as visitors. We could live there but not become involved in the country happenings very much. When voting time came we would often be asked about it and would have to say that we couldn’t participate because we just had our visitor’s record (or papers).  For many years we lived that way…feeling as if we belonged but not really. Finally, after living in Canada for 13 years we become a citizen. After taking an exam the big day arrived for the swearing in ceremony. As we sat in the courtroom that beautiful spring morning there was nervous anticipation in the room. Finally the judge entered and began to speak. What she said was something that has really stuck with me. She looked around the room and exclaimed, “Here in this courtroom, becoming citizens of this great country we have 61 people representing 23 different countries and races. Many of you have gone through great hardships to come to this place but finally the day has arrived and we welcome you!” 

What an amazing picture of the children of God; from many countries and races…many years of preparation….having gone through great hardships and many trials but finally the day will arrive. The day when their desired citizenship will become a reality.

Last week, sitting in the waiting room at the Dr. office, I was reading from 1 John 2 when I came to these words, “If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him.” I had to stop and think and evaluate. Do I love this world? Am I happy and content here or is my constant desire to be a citizen of a different country? Which led my thoughts down another road to, “how do I know if I love this world or not?” How much do I love and what value to I place on my house…the “stuff” in the house…our vehicle…our clothes? But again even probing myself deeper I questioned, “When I’m with others, is my conversation focused only on this world and all its happenings? And probing still deeper, “How much time do I spend thinking about earthly things in comparison to spiritual matters?” So in the end…what are my thoughts, words, and actions showing those around me? Do our family and acquaintances, my neighbors, does the world, see that I am a stranger here in this country; just passing through on a way to another? These questions I asked…I pondered…I examined, digging deeply within my heart. How would you answer these questions?

John continues in 1 John 2, “love not the world, neither the things that are in the world…for all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world. And the world passeth away and the lusts thereof; but he that doeth the will of God abideth forever.” Dear friend if you have to answer that you love the world, do as Pilgrim did (in Pilgrim’s Progress) and put your fingers in your ears and run, run for your life’s sake…run for your soul’s sake.

Straight from the Horse's Mouth

I’ve been hearing various comments lately about my lack of blogging. To tell you the truth, so you hear it from me (i.e. the horse)….I’ve been in hibernation. Last fall when I was diagnosed with a complex heart condition I also heard various words from my Cardiologist such as “rest” … “not much physical activity” … “lots of sitting” etc. As you could imagine this was quite troubling to me (to say the least) and so I began to try to look at the bigger picture. Obviously God knew this was all happening. He knew that we had just left a busy congregation where there was lots of work to do and all those words above were not in that vocabulary. And so I continued to ponder and think and pray about what could be the reason behind all this and (as Mary Winslow so clearly says to ask) if there was something I could do to be useful in His kingdom during this period of being laid aside. Sure I had numerous Dr. appointments and 1 hour of rehab 5-6 days a week but was there more? I made this a matter of prayer and one Sunday felt that I had received an answer – hence the reason for hibernation.

The Lord answered this request in a way beyond what I could have imagined….a devotional book for women. No not me writing it but to take the precious, valuable writings of well-known godly women in past generations and bring their writings back to life. It seemed like a daunting undertaking but one that I felt confident the Lord would help me with. For the next 6 months I read and researched and studied, bathing each day of writing with prayer and at times even weeping, as the Lord also laid open as well as fed my own soul. There were many times as I was typing that I wondered who would be touched by a particular day’s devotion…who would be fed….who would see the pride in their heart….who would be led to be more thankful….who would be comforted in grief and pain…whose heart would be drawn more to their Master and Savior...who would be led to the foot of the cross for the first time. I could think of no better way to spend months of sickness than the way I had to spend it daily in the company of godly women many who had travelled paths of trials and afflictions before me.

And so with the wonderful support of my children and husband the book is compiled and sent off to the editor. There are 12 women’s writings in the book including (Mary Winslow, Ruth Bryan, Susannah Spurgeon, Frances Havergal, Anne Dutton…and the rest are a surprise). A few more weeks have been spent designing the cover so that the publisher (Reformation Heritage Books) can start promoting it. Once I receive the copy back from the editors I will be typesetting and doing final corrections and Lord willing, it should be ready in the fall.

Besides all this I just came home from a scheduled visit at my Cardiologist and she was so pleased with the progress I am making (even though I have tiny steps backward at times). I need to continue my strict regimen of rehab but I had been going for a Dr. visit every week to two weeks and then it was pushed to 3-4 weeks apart and now I do not have to go for 2 months…the Lord’s ways are beyond what we can imagine. Thanksgiving, wonder, amazement, humility…these are the words that come to mind as I see the Lord slowly bringing back health…health that I haven’t had for several years. Last week for the first time in 6 months I was able to get groceries for our family…I never thought I would be thankful to be able to do something as monotonous as getting groceries.  Let us thank Him together!!

I also want to leave an encouraging note to those who have long term trials and afflictions. The Lord can use you during these times. Seek and pray for ways to be used in His kingdom. It is often during times of our brokenness that we can be the best instruments in His hand for it is at these times that we can only get through each day by totally leaning on the Lord for strength and the Lord loves total dependence on Him.

 P.S. Here is a sneak peak of what the devotional will look like.



Gracious Kindness

We just got back from a wonderful 4 days in Florida for our 25th anniversary. We had good flights, wonderful conversations on the planes…one was with a gentleman who was a Lutheran but is becoming more conservative and possibly reformed in his older years and for one hour he asked questions and my husband was a faithful lecturer. The other was a 36 year old gentleman who was still single and was a very devoted Greek Orthodox. This man too asked many questions and we had a very engaging conversation with him. Our condo room was right on the beach and it was small but clean and neat. The weather was perfect (low 80's during the day and 70 at night)....the beach beautiful...the sunsets were breathtaking. We watched the dolphins while eating our meals on our patio. At night we sat down on the beach and just watched the waves…sometimes talking together…sometimes just sitting silently....marveling at the majesty of God. After the afternoon church service on Sunday we had friends from Grand Rapids over for supper. It was nice to catch up again. After they left we walked out to the beach for one last time and again contemplated the day and sermons and were privileged to even see two shooting stars. My heart gave me only enough trouble to let me know it was there and i needed to be careful but nothing which we needed to get worried about for which we were so thankful.

But this beautiful trip could have been very different. We landed in Tampa about 10:30pm on Wednesday. After gathering our luggage we headed outside the airport to wait for a shuttle to take us to the rental car company. (This time we rented a car off-site because it was cheaper.) The temperature was about 75 degrees and so we didn't mind the 15 minute wait. We sat on a large bench and enjoyed the warmth. There were lots of other shuttle busses coming and going and finally ours arrived. We loaded on our luggage and left the airport. About 7 minutes down the road I suddenly realized my purse was misssing. We quickly informed the driver who turned around as soon as possible. I must say that among other things in my purse, was our money....my debit/credit/gift cards...our good camera...our passports...my kindle (his anniversary present to me)...my cell phone….and my heart medication which I need to carry with me at all times. At first we both felt panic and then I realized the foolishness of that because the outcome of all this was in the Lord's hands. If it was His will we would find it and if not we would spend the next days dealing with the ramifications and with this realization a calm came over my whole body. It was so much easier being resigned to His will than when I was panicking over something I had no control over. Obviously we still prayed that it would be found yet at the same time feeling that whatever happened would be ok.

Those 10 minutes back to the airport seemed like a very long time but finally we arrived about 20 minutes after we had left. The shuttle bus pulled into the area where we had been waiting and between all the people standing around waiting for their busses we could see a large bench, and on that bench all alone, sat my purse. As my husband ran off the bus towards the bench tears of thankfulness and gratitude filled my eyes as again I realized what an underserved mercy and gracious goodness was given to us. The Lord had prepared our hearts to fall in line with whatever His will would be and then He chose to show us His great mercy. This was a humbling start to our trip.

25 Years

The Lord has blessed my husband and I with 25 years of loving service to one another…of two becoming one and walking in that one path toward a common goal of serving the Lord. I devote this blog post to the person I love most on this earth, my best friend, my husband. I would be lying if I said that the road was always smooth and easy for it is impossible for two sinners to be joined together and sin never to be present. We have fought many battles against self…sin…Satan…and the world and yet we must humbly confess that the Lord has brought us through these all to the place we are now…more deeply in love with each other than ever before.

My dear husband has taught me many valuable lessons through these 25 years and although I am still learning them day by day I want to honor him by sharing just a few of them and showing how these lessons have shaped and molded me into the person I am today.

The first lesson he taught me is to think before I speak. I am a very quick witted person and often can ‘think on my toes’ and have an answer on the tip of my tongue before I think of the consequences of the words I may speak. Over the years we have together counseled countless people and I am often amazed how my husband will take in all what is being said and think for a few minutes before he answers wisely weighing his words. Slowly I am learning this valuable lesson in talking with others.

My husband for the last 25 years has tried to teach me that I don’t need to be a perfectionist about everything. As I glanced back at this sentence I realize that I wrote “tried to teach me” and I’ve decided to leave it that way. This is a very hard lesson for me to learn and I am still in school for this one. But one thing that helps me is to realize that I cannot have a “perfect” house and give of myself as I desire to be of service to others. My longing is to serve others and therefore there are times when my perfectionism doesn’t have a choice. We must be neat and tidy and clean I realize but we also need to be Mary’s and not only Martha’s.

Another valuable lesson (especially in our calling in life) he taught me is to realize that its ok if plans change. I remember those first years in the ministry I would wake up make my list for the day and when it didn’t go that way it would be difficult for me to adjust to. For the most part my lists have gone in the garbage, making it so much easier to change my plans without so much frustration. What also really helps me with this is seeing that all things are ordered by the Lord and His ways are best.

Finally, probably one of the biggest things my husband taught me is to come out of my very thick shell. It has only been through his gentle but firm prodding and pulling that I have become the person I am. Very slowly he is helping me to see, and acknowledge, the talents that the Lord has given me and not to be afraid to use them. Even though this has been the area in which I resisted most I am so grateful to him for not giving up or giving in to me but continually to push me beyond my comfort zone so that I could be more useful in God’s kingdom.

Together we have been through great trials, sicknesses, temptations, sorrows, joys, and yet I am so thankful to be by the side of my dear husband as He serves the Lord and labors in the furthering of His kingdom. When I hear him preach the riches of God Word my heart is full. I feel so blessed to be married to this gentle, godly man of God and I thank God for him.

On this our 25^th anniversary I also publicly say to you my dear husband….I Love You…and I pray that we may have another 25 years together, to serve our Lord and Master and labor in His kingdom!

A Beautiful Response

This past weekend my husband was preaching in a local church and various people were asking me how I was doing. Often I answer with such phrases with, “being upheld” or “pretty good” or “up and down” or “OK” etc. and with that answer most people are satisfied. So once again on Sunday morning the questions were coming from various inquisitive people and I gave the typical answer. Now I must interject that last week was a very difficult week for me. I had done a lot of investigation into what could help my heart condition and also spoke online with various people who also suffered from it. I learned about a very specific exercise program that was carried out on 250 like people as me and many of them had a very improved lifestyle after 6 months of this program. The problem is that the common lay person cannot have access to the protocol but only one’s cardiologist can receive it. Immediately my Dr. emailed for the protocol but before he received it I started doing some of the rehab that I thought was in the protocol. To make a long story short we received the actual protocol last week Wednesday and realized that I was trying to do now what I should only be doing in the 3^rd or 4^th month so in the long run my zeal in actuality put me backwards, and almost landed me in the hospital. On Wednesday I spent 2½ hours in my doctor’s office before he felt comfortable enough to let me go back home.

That night I felt defeated and discouraged. I thought we were making progress and now I had lost all the ground I thought was gained and I had to do a 2 week pre-program before even starting the actual protocol. Thursday and Friday I was told had to be days of rest and slowly my heart returned to its more normal functions and I could start some slow activity.

On Sunday I was still feeling defeated and was still having some heart spasms when I found myself answering my pat answers over and over. There was a particular person though who really seemed genuinely interested and pressed me for more information. I ended up explaining what had happened in the previous days and she listened with care and compassion. I felt touched with her care but what she said at the end of the conversation made a profound impact on me. Not only did she show that she cared but with much love she said, “Donna, thank you so much for sharing that with me!” What a caring, compassionate, loving and kind thing to say to someone who shares what lies on their heart with you. That Christ-like response has left an indelible mark on me and I pray that I may in love draw out those who are burdened or hurting and may also respond in a Christ-like way…encouraging them not only to pray on and press on but to thank them for sharing their heart with me.

School 101

I just returned home from an engaging meeting at the Seminary. My husband and I were invited to speak to the students about our life/marriage/parenting in the ministry. Our time with them went well and brought back many fond memories of Burgessville as well as the challenges and difficulties that can sometime arise in the home of a pastor’s family. Following our discussion a lunch was served which gave opportunity for informal questions.

Driving home from the Seminary my thoughts went from the various conversations that had just taken place to a conversation I had with someone this week who was asking how one could prepare themself to help/counsel other people. What lessons could I share, what books have I read, and what advice could I give? How does one know what to say when someone comes for help especially when it’s an “unexpected” conversation? How could the young people be reached and talked to regarding the problems they face? As I reflected on our meeting and as this conversation came back to me, suddenly as if a light was turned on, I could somewhat see the bigger picture.

If you want to impact the lives of other people, I counseled this person, it is vitally important to read and study written material especially the Word of God. If our minds are saturated with the Word, the Lord often brings words from Scripture to our remembrance during counseling sessions which can prove to be an invaluable tool. Read and study the Word daily. Also, the Lord has given much wisdom to men to write books for our learning and knowledge and we would be foolish not to be very well read on many subjects in order to help others. I then tried to give other practical lessons that I had learned over the past 13 years.

While all this is true and important what came to my mind on the way home today was the importance of School 101. There is often a need to go to “school” ourselves in order to learn invaluable lessons which we can in turn use as instruments in impacting the lives of other people. This is one of the most invaluable means that God uses in our life so we can impact the lives of others. And what I further realized is that there are seasons when we are very useful in God’s kingdom but then there will also be seasons when we need to take a step back as we “go to school.” Often this school is called, “The school of Afflictions, Trials and Temptations.” It is here that we learn the deepest, most profound lessons. Lessons about who we are and who God is. Lessons which painfully root out some of our deepest sins so that we can be made humble. Lessons which teach us more about God’s character and His care for us. Lessons which teach us the importance of daily striving against the Devil and temptations. Lessons which  test and strengthen our faith.

I think I can liken this school to our earthly school. Some classes are easy and fun and others are what we would call brutal. Because of their intensity, they cause us to work, sweat and often lose sleep. So it is spiritually…the easy lessons are the books we read and knowledge we gain from them. The hard courses are the ones we need to learn in the classes of affliction, trials, and temptations.

As I saw this big picture I wondered why we at times complain so much when we have to go back to school? If we could really grasp this way of thinking wouldn’t we be more willing to enter into this classroom as well, knowing that if we are faithful the Lord will lead us to a richer knowledge of Himself? Don’t we see that if our desire is to serve we will need to be conformed ourselves? Will we not be able to be used in a much greater way then in His kingdom? Let us encourage one another to not be fainthearted when we need to go back to the “classroom” but rather rejoice knowing that many before us have entered the same school in order to be trained for the service of furthering God’s Kingdom. Keep courage and enter these seasons in the classroom relying on Him.

The Storm

Have you ever driven down the highway and off in the distance you saw dark menacing clouds clearly indicating there was an impending storm approaching? I remember driving from Iowa to Canada one year and off in the distance (because of the very flat land) we could see several thunderstorms. Two of these storms were producing twisters which would come out of the clouds, spiraling towards the land only to retreat back up into the storm. I’m sure directly beneath those clouds there were people watching, hoping that these twisters would not indeed touch the ground. As we drove down the highway we too, of course, were hoping that we would not have to drive through the middle of one of these storms.

There are times in our life that we can see in the distance an impending storm approaching. We can try all kinds of tricks to try to avoid these storms. Maybe we just bury our head in the sand and hope it goes away. Maybe we try to run the other way hoping it doesn’t catch up to us. Maybe we gloomily sit and wait for the “disaster” to strike. Let’s face it….storms are not fun. Maybe they are fun to watch from a distance but when they come closer….

To be honest, in personal life it’s not fun being in the middle of a ‘storm’. I am in the middle of a storm and today is a day where I can see a bit of silver lining but this storm isn’t over yet. I too have asked myself…why has God sent so many storms in my life? What is this storm trying to teach me? Am I such a slow learner? Will there any good come out of this? Do I dare to continue to ask God to conform me to the image of His Son? If so am I just asking for more storms? What do other people think of God when they see another affliction on my life?

I don’t know the answer to all these questions but there are several that I have worked through. Each storm that the Lord allows to descend upon His children are sent with a hand of love. This thought has comforted me so much through this present storm. Am I willing to be patient and submissive through this storm? How can I not when it comes with love? He has promised to never leave nor forsake and He has promised that underneath are the everlasting arms. This is such a great comfort. With this comfort I can sleep in between the attacks of heart spasms and not lay awake anxiously awaiting the next one. My husband asked me that the other night “how can you go back to sleep after this happens?” It’s these promises that make me relax and able to fall asleep until the next attack. My life is in His hands and this is my greatest comfort.

I also know that the longing of my heart is to be conformed to the image of the Lord Jesus Christ and I cannot stop asking God to do this in my life. It was only several weeks ago that the Lord made me very aware of a sin in my life and that awareness caused me great grief and sorrow, almost more than I’ve ever felt over any sin before. As I worked through that all I thanked the Lord for showing it to me in such a way and then I vividly thought…ok…hopefully now I can sail on smooth waters for awhile. But even before that thought had passed entirely out of my mind another thought came right on its tail…NO…I need to continue to pray to be conformed to His image fully knowing that it could me more trials…but not realizing they would come so quickly.

And so dear friends do not pity me…the Lord is and will take care of me. But please continue to pray for me that in this storm I would remain faithful to Him…speak well of Him…be a good example of a sufferer…not complain and come through with less self and more of Him flowing through my entire being.

4290 Orchard Creek

The 5:30am alarm came all too soon on Monday morning.

 It would be the last time our alarm would ring in Burgessville…just another last. In a few minutes we would take our last shower, eat our last breakfast, watch for the last time the cow and her calf quietly munching on their breakfast and listen to the birds chirping ever so merrily. They didn’t understand the mixed feelings that we were feeling…they were too busy singing. Everyone threw their sheets and blankets in box #324…one of the final boxes to be packed. We felt like we were packing for a very big holiday but as we joked we knew this was just something to comfort one another for for the pain we were feeling. Soon it was 8:00am and the final items were put into the Semi-truck and several “last checks” were done throughout each room of the house. As each room was given the “all clear” the door was shut. People started arriving and our minds began swirling. The moment of truth had come; it was time to depart.

Last farewells were said…tears were shed…one last trip through the house was made and the caravan of vehicles made their way out of the driveway, leaving 13 years of memories behind.

The caravan itself needs some explaining. First went the truck. Following him was our van, Rachael in her car, Micah in his car, Jeremy and Aje in their car and last Henk & Michelle Vrugteveen in their truck. As we slowly drove out of Burgessville we spoke little…each buried deep in our own thoughts. We decided to go to the border on our own and meet at the duty free by Port Huron. At that point my husband would go with the trucker and we would each take our vehicles and meet together again 30 minutes beyond the border at the rest area. This plan worked well. The truck went ahead and our little caravan went through the border without a single problem. We stopped at the first exit and all got gas and some food. Soon we got word from the truck that they were going to have to go through the X-ray machine and go in to fill out some paperwork which they did without too much trouble. Again our plan worked and about an hour later were all together at the rest area.

This time we and our kids decided to stick together which we did the rest of the way to Grand Rapids.

About 2:45pm the surrounding neighbors of 4290 Orchard Creek must have thought an army was moving in. All of our vehicles arrived and finally the truck. The kids took a quick look around the house before the flurry of activity began.

By 6:00pm the truck was empty and we and those who came to help were exhausted from the heat, a mixture of emotions and hard work.Reality did not sink yet and by night we fell onto our mattresses ready for sleep.

The next days were days of discovery and this discovery continues to surprise us till this day. 4290 Orchard Creek is a very interesting place. In this house one can actually get lost...in fact one little visitor couldn’t even find a bathroom and resorted to using the stair landing as a port a potty. If you do get lost and someone tries to find you this can also pose a problem as there are two separate stairways to the upper level so as one goes up one the other person is going down the other and so the search can continue.

The third night in our new house I went to go upstairs to get ready for bed and walked in our master closet only to find my husband’s entire wordrobe (including about 30 dress shirts which I had so carefully tried to preserve so as not to iron them all again) laying in a crumpled heap on the floor. The inside of our closet is made up of metal white shelving and the previous owners didn’t understand the concept of putting braces into studs. Thankfully, I have another week before his work begins to re-iron.

And then there is Grand Rapids water. If we drink the water out of the tap we can almost imagine being in a swimming pool. So we toyed with the idea of buying our water but that just seemed weird as well as expensive so we were told to get a Brita filter which we did. But this only made the water taste like the chlorine level was low in the pool. So we decided we could use the water from the fridge system but it took about 2 minutes to fill your glass. Finally, we had the bright idea of finding the filter in the fridge and changing it. So my husband went to the store got a filter, looked up how to change the filter for our particular fridge and took it out. The sight that we saw about made us all want to throw up thinking we had actually drank that water. The filter was a combination of black and green when it was supposed to be white. For the next several hours we hardly would drink any water because the thought of that filter was so horrible.

And so life continues here at 4290 Orchard Creek. My dear husband is the world’s best Mr. Fixit man and hardly takes any time to sleep he’s so busy fixing “It.” "It" being finishing off a under the stairs closet and installing a under the stairs unit from Ikea.

 

Previous Owners


 

Completed Project



"It" being installing cabinets above the washer and dryer. It being putting up shelving in the basement.



Previous Owners



 

Completed Project



"It" being putting up numerous pictures and the like. The latest “it” project was to try to find out if our flower beds actually had any dirt or plants under the 4 ft tall weeds. Of course tackling this project on 100 degree days may not be the smartest, but when we stopped for the day we just jumped in the shower and drank some of the water and could imagine that we were swimming. On the second day of this project it seemed to be there were some other issues that needed addressing so Mr. Fixit went at it again. I stepped in the house for a few moments and when I went back out he was repeating the words "Uh oh" and I saw him covered with water and mud looking bewildered at a broken sprinkler line that was spouting water and mud. Apparentely there were other things under the 4ft weeds.

At this point I seriously wondered if he thought the list was getting too short to he had to make a new fixit project. Well the old farmer in him just got down in the mud and dirt and started digging…mud literally from head to toe until the break was found. Yes the rest is history…back to Home Depot once again.

Anyway we bought a sectional for our family room but haven’t gotten a kitchen table and chairs yet. This hasn’t been a problem, as we have a patio set, until it rained most of the day today. Old mean mom won’t let the kids eat on the new furniture so tonight we used the kitchen island as a table and had a stand up supper…makes life interesting.

All kidding aside we are settling in. Last wednesday had been a very hard day as Jeremy & Aje and Micah left us…it was a struggle for all of us. We are looking forward to when they visit us again and are thankful for Skype. As far as the unpacking goes I think about 80% of the boxes are unpacked and things are coming together nicely. By Sunday reality began to set in for most of us. Sunday was a hard day. We missed church in the morning as my incision became infected and we had to go to the Dr.  But in the end it was a blessing in disguise as he also took out the stitches which he said were put in a special way as it was a high tension area and I think if my husband had to do it, as was planned, we probably would have needed marriage counseling. Sunday afternoon was a time of no work and we all could think. Burgessville was much on our minds. Our thoughts were drawn to how much we really miss our children as well as everyone in Burgessville. As I sat outside quietly reading I again heard the birds singing their songs. They didn’t know what thoughts were going through my mind but it didn’t matter…they have a mission which is to sing and that’s what they do. We too have a mission...to impact the lives of the student body at PRTS and so with God’s help we will press on in our mission. Dear friends in Burgessville…press on in the mission which God has laid upon your path…we love you!